it is well with my soul

And the greatest commandment is this:

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” Mark 12:30

If I were to choose one thing that I have realised this past year about my walk of faith, it would be this: learning the implications of loving God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

I’m not even going to try and pretend that I have found the answer for this lesson, because I don’t. I have just begun this journey, and this past year was a testament to my ignorance.

At Redeemer you find many people who know their Bible and doctrine inside out. They seem so strong, so set in their faith, so secure. They know what it is all about, they have the answers to the big questions – so it seems anyways – I was/am fascinated by this. I am going to be honest here, I took catechism, but I didn’t take it seriously. I would love to be able to tell you that I know exactly what being Reformed is all about, but I can’t. Not something I am proud of, I see doctrine as being vital within the church and I can’t even begin to express how important it is to know and stick to it. I have experienced the implications of this within my home church.
I felt guilty, so I spent so much time concentrating and learning the nitty gritties about our doctrine. This is where the answers lay. I was going to finally understand Christianity better than I had ever before.
I soon became extremely cynical of the Christian Reformed Church, I thought we were going to the pits. We were not putting enough emphasis on doctrine. I sat through services picking everything apart and in some sick way I built myself up as I tore my church down.
It took one comment from my dad to snap me out of it. It was a Sunday night and I was having the weekly phone chat with the family. I was telling my dad about how I was so annoyed at church because they didn’t read the baptismal liturgy before the baptism and how I thought the CRC doesn’t take the Lord’s Supper seriously enough, oh, and I probably threw in the comment ‘there shouldn’t be any images of Jesus.’ My dad took a pause after my rant… was quite for a bit and then said, “What happened to you? This is not the Katrina I know.’
Now, I’m not saying that doctrine and being knowledgeable about your faith is wrong. I’m just sending out a caution. Don’t pull a me and take it too far. Once you start to think that you have the answers you become extremely ignorant.

I was heading down a very dangerous path; I needed to stop. I knew I was doing this all wrong, learning to love God. Then it was like a light bulb went on, yes like the cartoons. What do you usually love with? Your heart! Well then, that is what I was missing. This should be a much easier route, for I tend to give my heart a pretty big leeway in my life as is. I was going to take this seriously, I was going to do it right this time, I even bought a book called ‘The Ransomed Heart.’ It told me that the heart is central and that it is a tragedy for anyone to loose touch with the life of their heart.
I agreed/I agree. But since the heart is so central to our faith, to our being, I honestly think that it is where Satan sends his strongest attack.
Maybe this is just for me, but I have found that there is a danger with putting an emphasis on loving God with all your heart. The heart gets muddled so quickly. It is not concrete, it can get overrun with emotions, disappointments, feelings, relationships etc. God’s speaks to the heart, but how are we supposed to hear His calming whisper above the storm going on within a sinful and unsettled heart?
Frustrating. I wish I could love God with my whole heart, I wish I had a ransomed heart, but this is so hard because it is so vulnerable.

Last Sunday I was struck by something beautiful, something profound. Yes, that’s right, profound… I almost ran out of the service to go start writing my book. Good thing I practiced patience and waited five days. Honestly, it isn’t that profound, Calvin probably beat me to it. It just seemed that way at the time because God knocked me over with it using a 2 by 4.
We were singing ‘When Peace Like A River’
When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot thou has taught me to say, It is well with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control, that Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and has shed His own blood for my soul.

My soul. Solid. You know what I realised? Even though all my life I will struggle with learning to love God, through my struggles and triumphs, my failings and frustrations, I can be confident of this: It is well with my soul. Once God has a hold on your soul it cannot be tampered with.
The guy who wrote this song, Horatio Gates Spafford, lost all of his children when their boat sank in the Atlantic Ocean. His mind probably could not fathom the reasoning, his heart was broken, his strength drained, and yet he could say, "It is well with my soul,"
Your inner being, you soul belongs to Him, nothing can replace that, salvation is yours, depend on it, and through it find peace.

I’m slowly learning this. I will most likely need to be hit hard numerous of times as a reminder. Learning to love God hurts, but there is peace among the pain; it’s His promise.