diet confidential

Question: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Question: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Answer: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Question: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
Answer: Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Question: Is chocolate bad for me?
Answer: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around.

Question: Is swimming good for your figure?
Answer: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Although I think that it is important to note that I do not suggest that you make this the new Jenny Craig and apply them to your daily lifestyle. I just use these points for an excuse in situations where they are needed...

If you do exercise and eat healthy I salute you!